Friday, December 30, 2005


Cleansing.  I spend a great deal of my time, between housework and laundry, on routine cleansing, but today I’m dealing with cleansing the after affects of some major stress.  I am doing an internal cleansing and a sage burning in a room, to start the New Year free of the old spirits.  Or am I?

I’m not sure if the hours I’ve spent this after Christmas week looking at jewelry online qualify as cleansing or escape.  Over the past few years, I’ve bought myself a piece of jewelry for my birthday and for Christmas each year, which I did not do this year, due to housekeeper meltdown drama, which ensued mid-December.  I am somehow providing myself consolation for what I have suffered recently, so there is the connection.  At middle age, I do feel better with jewelry and makeup on, what’s that joke from retail “early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and accessorize”!  I just don’t feel very glam when I get up in the morning, and put on several years ago’s bulky fleece robe.  My naturally curly hair does not qualify as stylish for the past ten years or more, it’s ok when I fix it with some product, but in the morning, not ok.  I was lucky in my twenties; “big hair” was in (circa Farrah Fawcett and many others in the 1970’s).  Now I don’t follow the trends anyway, and find it kind of foolish anyway.  I see older women who are all decked out in the latest young girl fashions and to me they look older, not younger.  My wardrobe is not even under discussion here…I wear about 25% of my clothes.  Mostly I wear stuff I can exercise in.  I like to wear only one outfit a day (see laundry above) and most days, I try to do something I can call exercise.

So the jewelry will make me prettier, yes?  And affirm my worth?  I should clarify here that the jewelry I have ordered is decent quality but not “precious”.   Is that my feeling about myself?  I think probably it is, actually.  At middle age, I seem to have a larger inventory of assaults to my sanity to recover from, and at the same time, less stamina to do so.  

Perhaps I should burn that sage in my bedroom as well as the third bedroom, where the housekeeper smoked.  Bad vibes, bad vibes.  My poor kitty loves that room, and his eyes are all runny from the smell of Febreeze.  I’ve been in attack cleaning mode all week in that room.  Previously it was my office, and I spent a lot of hours in there.  I also slept in there for four months during some construction in my bedroom and bathroom.  So that room has “been there for me” in the past.  Must go shower, put on today’s accessories for my belated birthday lunch.  My gifts to myself have shipped, according to my e-mail, so it is only a short wait until I become prettier and cleansed.  Right?  Maybe not.  The symbolism of cleansing is a very good start.  I will meditate on this, which I think is a lot closer to the reality of cleansing, that it is a spiritual inside job.  

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