Monday, December 19, 2005

So many levels of bad

I walk into her room, formerly known as my home office.  It smells of cheap perfume, and increasingly of cigarette smoke, as the perfume wears off.  The smoking was a deal breaker; she knew that, so smoking in her room was just another parting shot.

A horrible Christmas story has played out at my house for the last ten days.  Mental illness, issues of finding quality eldercare, dealing with the cuts in the Bush administration in social services, her history of domestic violence, her poverty, the landlord tenant code and local police shortages in our city verging on bankruptcy are all unwelcome preoccupations.  This time of year is about joy, hope and love if I’m to believe my vinyl placemats!  I’m not a huge Christmas nonsense person, but I do like the lighter spirits, and the “peace on earth and goodwill toward men” side of Christmas.  I guess terminating a neurotic, depressive difficult person from a job as our domestic worker does not count as loving the unlovable, as suggested in a daily meditation I subscribe to.

I’ve got my hacking dry cough now, cleaning up her room with the leftover smoke and perfume.  So she got me.  Gotcha!  How grand for her.  Do I forgive her?  I feel sorry for her.  I think right now I feel sorry for me.  Her depression and pathetic life seemed to have rubbed off on me.  Maybe that was her true intention.  I couldn’t raise her consciousness, so she was determined to lower mine.  Funny how that works.  Now I look at this past year in my depressive pathetic life, and it looks pretty bleak.  This isn’t how I typically spin things, but this is how I feel tonite.

All the years I did office work, I always noted the opposing forces of order and chaos - what I’ve heard referred to as the “chaordic alliance”.   Nature is always in flux, nothing stays in either perfect order or perfect chaos, and it is always pulled in the other direction.  My experience, chaos trumps order.  My ex-homemaker’s hysterics have trumped my serenity.

There’s always chocolate, shopping and other “self distractions” as a friend put it.  Went to the library today, and stocked up on some spiritual reading, as well as a few videos to get me thru the next week of hoopla.  I have a feeling I’m not the only one going into Christmas this year with more than vague discomfort.  

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