Monday, December 05, 2005


Is the craziness inside/outside my head that keeps me from sleeping, or is it the endless insomnia that sets the stage for the crazies?  Drilling down a bit further, what is the story behind the story?  Anxiety?  Control?  Frustration?  “Stress”?  Hormones?  El Nino?

I woke up this morning about 2:30 a.m. for no reason.  The cat was sleeping in the living room, and all was quiet.  I was cold, and my shoulder was hurting, but nothing major.  As I lay awake (until 5:45 a.m. when I finally gave up and got up…) I did hear a car alarm go off twice so maybe it was the culprit earlier and I just don’t remember.

I know I should stop drinking all caffeine and alcohol, but I can’t bring myself to do it.  Not just sure about those factors anyway.  Many nights I sleep very well and my caffeine and alcohol consumption is pretty consistent and (I think) pretty moderate.  Really!  I’m old here.  I’ve pretty much eliminated coffee, drinking a decaf blend about twice a week.  Mostly I’ve switched to Lipton tea.  Does have caffeine, but not as much.  My one glass of wine from what I read is not problematic.  I have been having just a shot of Port after my glass of Merlot this past couple nights.  Holiday stress?  Probably.

The rituals of shopping and gifting have been pretty minor for me in recent years although I enjoy what I would call “joke gifts” like from the dollar store.  Antler headbands, Christmas CDs and holiday deco and generally stupid or festive stuff.  My handmade greeting cards are another story…they’ve been taking up increasing amounts of time over the past three years since I’ve been a rubber stamper…I’m not all that artistic, but I’ve gotten into it and made some very lovely ones.  Friends tell me how much they enjoy them…I guess anything handmade is becoming more unique in a mass-market world.  But making them is just so overwhelmingly time consuming.  Meditative when I actually get into it, but finding the concentrated time to produce them in quantity for the holidays is starting to make me feel really pressured.

My sane mind tells me that I’m ruminating about the stupidest things, things of no consequence.  Not just that little test about what will be important six months from now - but these things aren’t even important now!

I did ask for and receive a small consulting job - revising the content and “look and feel” of a friend’s website for their small business.  I’m excited about this project, yet sluggish mentally due to above overload.  Like my silver foil gift bag that I’m sliding the CDs into, I’m coming a bit unglued.

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