New Year's eve is just a memory, and it for me was as blah as New Year's day is turning out to be. It is a fabulous day here, 80+ degrees, clear and sunny, but I have not been out. I have been trying to relax a little, and not bury myself in the usual chores and desk work that fill my days "off". I am trying to stay off my feet, supposedly I have a slight fracture in my right foot, which has been bothering me for months. Staying off my feet is a simple plan, but like many good intentions, not so easy to actually do. The situation has not been readily (or definitely even yet) diagnosed, and I am hoping this lovely boot they sent me home with will do its job.
So it is just a regular Sunday for me I guess, maybe a slower than regular day. I continue to feel uninspired, perhaps a little more so today, after reading and watching all the motivational articles and videos on New Year New You and Getting it Together and all that good stuff which I am always attracted to, yet lately it all just seems so overwhelming. I try to counter the inevitable entropy of life - since it is the nature of things to so readily fall apart, I try to improve myself in as many ways as I can, just to stay on an even keel.
I have been remiss in taking time for myself in recent years, my spiritual and self development path has disappeared from my life. I haven't done any writing in ages. I seem to just chase cash flow in all its convoluted and time consuming forms. Keeping the wolf away from the door could be considered a form of self care, but I am wearing down. I have not really been a person to define myself through my work through the years, so I am spending most of my energy on a portion of my life that is not all that gratifying. Somewhat gratifying at times, but not what I would consider a calling or life purpose, not in present form.
The subject of underemployment crossed my mind this morning, I am very grateful to be working at all in this economy, yet the stress of the past few years has not been lost on me either. Underemployment has dampened my enthusiasm for making plans and goals for the future, to say the least. And at my age, staging a life reinvention is not so easy either. Years gone by, I could make changes very easily, now I feel the quicksand of inertia under my feet.
Not surprising I am having pain in my foot - Louise Hay in Heal Your Body says foot problems are an indication of "fear of the future and of not stepping forward in life". I like her Beginnings and Endings post for the new year, but I am feeling lazy about setting any resolutions and directions. I do have a mental list, but have not gone so far as to put it on paper or call the list "resolutions". I feel sometimes as a woman I knew years ago once said, that she one day just walked out the door literally on her old life. I fantasize about doing that, move to a new city (country?) starting over with a couple of suitcases and boxes as I've done many times years gone by. But I am not young anymore, not sure how that would "fit" into my sixth decade of wandering around LOST on this planet. I'm hooked on the creature comforts, and some of the trappings of midlife.
Well it is time to tackle some chores with what is left of this day. Perhaps I will post more often in this old journal blog. Used to do Morning Pages - maybe I should make a big list of things I used to do and call that list New Year's resolutions...
Sunday, January 01, 2012
“Multitask, multitask, busy every day - Oh what fun it is to try to have a holiday!” - Well, you get the idea. It’s an “Attention Deficit” holiday for me – not a lot of jingle in my bell. This year my life has been about as stable as the stock market. I’ve barely done a traditional holiday thing – I’m just distracted. I put up a kitschy red tinsel peace symbol on my front door and sent a couple of cards, but for me, this holiday is about charitable donations not “stuff”. I’ve enjoyed receiving some holiday cards and letters – I’ve read some fun stories, and some sad stories. We all have our times of joy and sorrow to be sure.
Each year we are more deeply immersed in technology, which connects and isolates us. I log too many hours of screen time, mea culpa. I troll Craigslist and many job sites for work, read tons of news, and of course shop. I am addicted to Redfin studying local real estate. I have a website, two FaceBook pages, LinkedIn, a blog, plus the usual PC software, my calendar, Quicken, QuickBooks and smart phone. Argh. I am the proud owner of a Kindle Fire, an early birthday gift which has been a lot of fun. And fun I need!
I’m self employed again, after having two receptionist jobs this year – one at a retirement facility and one at a skilled nursing facility. I felt that I had better become my own boss again, or risk being wheeled in there myself on a gurney. I turn 62 this year and I am very aware of the impact of constant stress on health. I’m a hard worker, but I have no interest in drama or dysfunction - I want a peaceful life!
I applied for early “retirement” Social Security. Not that I’m actually retiring, but my work as a freelance personal assistant is part time so I can maintain a healthy life balance. The only benefit of self employment is that, yes, I can work in my pajamas with a cat on my lap! It is surprisingly challenging work – my clients by nature are not good at the things I do. If they were, they wouldn’t NEED me! So there is plenty of opportunity for MY self development too - in terms of patience and communication skills. I am working now with three clients who need some type of office support, but I’ve also returned to senior companion care. I enjoy working for seniors, and I have made several lasting friendships. Friends becoming clients and clients becoming friends is another benefit!
I’m volunteering as a driver with our local Rides & Smiles program and as a receptionist at a senior center, both as networking opportunities and community service. I have joined a local political group also. I joined a new gym about three minutes from home, and have actually been going!
My home life continues to be very quiet. I have three BFF cats, all of whom are spoiled and demanding in their own way. No such thing as a low maintenance pet – that’s an oxymoron! Have not done a thing to my house, it has been turning back in to the fixer that it was when we bought it in 2002. I’ve held off moving due to concerns about housing prices and employment. I continue to feel restless and ready for a change in many ways, but the crystal ball remains a bit hazy as my Dad used to say. I have lived in this house for almost ten years. For me, that is a long time. So I’ve been practicing gratefulness for my comfortable, if not terribly exciting life, and counting my blessings and taking one day at a time.
“Here in the Northern Hemisphere, we are only days away from the winter solstice, which celebrates the return of the light, and the promise that the days will once again grow long and warm. But until that time, perhaps our energy would be best spent aligning with nature, and like the trees, pulling our energy deep into our roots, in preparation for another year of growth.”