Sunday, January 01, 2012

What are you doing on New Year's ...

New Year's eve is just a memory, and it for me was as blah as New Year's day is turning out to be.  It is a fabulous day here, 80+ degrees, clear and sunny, but I have not been out.  I have been trying to relax a little, and not bury myself in the usual chores and desk work that fill my days "off".  I am trying to stay off my feet, supposedly I have a slight fracture in my right foot, which has been bothering me for months.  Staying off my feet is a simple plan, but like many good intentions, not so easy to actually do.  The situation has not been readily (or definitely even yet) diagnosed, and I am hoping this lovely boot they sent me home with will do its job.

So it is just a regular Sunday for me I guess, maybe a slower than regular day.   I continue to feel uninspired, perhaps a little more so today, after reading and watching all the motivational articles and videos on New Year New You and Getting it Together and all that good stuff which I am always attracted to, yet lately it all just seems so overwhelming.  I try to counter the inevitable entropy of life - since it is the nature of things to so readily fall apart, I try to improve myself in as many ways as I can, just to stay on an even keel.

I have been remiss in taking time for myself in recent years, my spiritual and self development path has disappeared from my life.  I haven't done any writing in ages.  I seem to just chase cash flow in all its convoluted and time consuming forms.  Keeping the wolf away from the door could be considered a form of self care, but I am wearing down. I have not really been a person to define myself through my work through the years, so I am spending most of my energy on a portion of my life that is not all that gratifying.  Somewhat gratifying at times, but not what I would consider a calling or life purpose, not in present form.

The subject of underemployment crossed my mind this morning, I am very grateful to be working at all in this economy, yet the stress of the past few years has not been lost on me either.  Underemployment has dampened my enthusiasm for making plans and goals for the future, to say the least.  And at my age, staging a life reinvention is not so easy either.  Years gone by, I could make changes very easily, now I feel the quicksand of inertia under my feet. 

Not surprising I am having pain in my foot - Louise Hay in Heal Your Body says foot problems are an indication of "fear of the future and of not stepping forward in life".   I like her Beginnings and Endings post for the new year, but I am feeling lazy about setting any resolutions and directions.  I do have a mental list, but have not gone so far as to put it on paper or call the list "resolutions".  I feel sometimes as a woman I knew years ago once said, that she one day just walked out the door literally on her old life.  I fantasize about doing that, move to a new city (country?) starting over with a couple of suitcases and boxes as I've done many times years gone by.  But I am not young anymore, not sure how that would "fit" into my sixth decade of wandering around LOST on this planet.  I'm hooked on the creature comforts, and some of the trappings of midlife.

Well it is time to tackle some chores with what is left of this day.  Perhaps I will post more often in this old journal blog.  Used to do Morning Pages - maybe I should make a big list of things I used to do and call that list New Year's resolutions...

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